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So are there rules
for dealing with conflict? Isn't it better to back off and do nothing
in the belief in 'anything for a quiet life'?
Let's take those
questions in turn. Rob Parsons has Six Principles for dealing with conflict:
- Don't attack
the person. A young person can cope with you saying they can do better,
can turn that C into a B, that B into an A, but they can't handle
you saying how they're no good, they're stupid and they're a failure.
They will begin to believe it for themselves and fall into the classic
self-fulfilling prophecies.
- Stick to the
issue. Don't drag into the argument all the other times when you have
felt let down.
- Remember the
power of the tongue. The Bible likens it to the power of a rudder
to steer a ship.
- Remember the
power of sorry. The silliest statement to come out of Hollywood was,
'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' On the contrary, love
means always having to say you're sorry.
- Recognise the
'inner lawyer' who always fights your corner. If you have set down
family principles, or if there are group rules before the teenage
years, these will be working for you during adolescence.
- Remember the
power of forgiveness. We have all been forgiven at one time or other
and know how good it feels to be restored.
Unfortunately it
is not good for you or the teenager to avoid conflict at all costs.
You may want the quiet life but you could end up doing more harm than
good.
- It may stop the
relationship from deepening and developing.
- It may stop them
from facing problems and dealing with them in an effective way.
- It may allow
them to manipulate us through our giving-in.
- It may damage
your self-esteem as parents, youthworkers or just as people.
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